Misconceptions abound regarding estate planning. Here are some of the most common myths I have encountered…
· This is a purely legal exercise.
· Once the documents are set-up and signed I never have to look at them again.
· It is only for the rich.
· I don’t need to talk to my kids or family about my estate plan. They don’t need to know.
· I’m single so this doesn’t matter for me.
The truth is, estate planning is a complex process that everyone needs to go through. It’s not the money or assets that make it complex (it would be far easier if that was the case). Rather it is the human emotions, family dynamics, and legacy considerations that make this so difficult for many people. You must confront difficult decisions such as do your parents or your in-laws or someone else take guardianship of your minor children should you pass unexpectedly. Or who do you trust to make medical and financial decisions should you be unable to do so? What if you are single? What if you don’t trust your spouse to be able to make these decisions? These are very difficult conversations. But if you don’t have them when you are whole in body and mind, someone will be having them on your behalf when you are not.
When faced with decisions like these, it is no wonder that many people find themselves procrastinating due to the emotional weight of these decisions. This means they end up taking the default option for their estate plan: they let the government decide in the form of a probate judge.
So, I’d like to explore the emotional barriers that prevent people from engaging in the estate planning process, why it’s so crucial to overcome these hurdles, and strategies for having those tough, but necessary, conversations with your loved ones. I hope by the end, you’ll have a roadmap for navigating the emotional challenges of estate planning, ensuring that your family’s future is secure.
Understanding the Emotional Barriers
So, what are these emotional barriers that can be so difficult to overcome? Where do they come from? I think it is partly because it requires, we confront our own mortality. And partly because sometimes it feels like we can only pick the least bad option. There are myriad ways family dynamics can make it seem like all options are bad and thus adds complexity to the process.
Decisions such as…
· Who will inherit assets?
· Who will take on the role of guardian for minor children?
· Who will manage financial affairs?
These can stir up feelings of jealousy, resentment, or perceived favoritism. These emotions can make the process contentious, turning this straightforward legal task into a minefield of potential conflicts. For instance, naming one sibling as the executor of a will while excluding another can create rifts that last for years or lifetimes.
Guilt is another powerful emotion that can derail estate planning. Many people feel a deep sense of responsibility and guilt when considering disinheriting a family member or appointing someone outside the family to make critical decisions. Denial plays a similar role, as people convince themselves that they have plenty of time to make these decisions or that their family will be fine without a formal plan.
So, if estate planning can be so difficult, why bother with it? You won’t be around so why deal with it?
The Importance of Having Tough Conversations
I think there are two primary reasons: 1) Families come apart without adequate planning whether the money involved is $1,000 or $1 billion. So good estate planning prevents civil war within your family. 2) It secures your legacy by ensuring every dollar of your hard-earned money goes to the people, places, and/or organizations you want it to.
Estate planning isn’t just about drafting documents; it’s about ensuring those decisions are understood, respected, and actionable when the time comes. This is where the importance of having tough conversations becomes apparent. Without open and honest dialogue, even the most carefully crafted estate plan can fail to meet its intended purpose, leaving loved ones in confusion or conflict.
Why Are These Conversations Necessary?
Contemplate the following difficult decisions:
Who will make medical decisions for me if I am incapacitated?
Who will manage my financial affairs if I can no longer do so?
Who will care for my minor children if I pass away unexpectedly?
Each of these are not just legal decisions but deeply personal ones. Imagine you’ve designated a trusted friend as your medical power of attorney. This friend needs to know not only that they’ve been chosen but also what your specific wishes are regarding medical treatments, life support, and end-of-life care. Without this knowing this, your friend may be left making guesses in a high-stress, emotional situation, unsure of how to honor your wishes.
Similarly, if you’ve appointed one of your children to manage your finances, it’s crucial they understand the responsibilities involved. Will they have the time and capability to manage your affairs? Do they know the details of your financial situation, or will they be starting from scratch?
Finally, one of the most emotionally charged decisions involves who will care for your minor children should you pass away unexpectedly. Choosing a guardian can be fraught with tension, especially if family members have different opinions on who is best suited for the role. It’s important to discuss your choice with the potential guardian to ensure they’re willing and able to take on this responsibility. Additionally, talking to other family members may help prevent disputes down the road by ensuring everyone understands the reasoning behind your decision.
Two Highly Recommended Considerations
1. Timing Matters
Timing is critical when initiating these tough conversations. Many people make the
mistake of delaying these discussions until it’s too late—when health has begun to
decline or after a significant life event, such as the death of a spouse, has already
occurred. By that point, emotions may be running too high for a rational, productive
dialogue.
It’s generally best to have these conversations when you’re still in good health and can
approach the discussion from a place of calm and foresight. This allows your loved
ones to process the information without the added pressure of an immediate crisis.
Hopefully, by being proactive everyone involved has the time they need to understand
and accept your decisions.
2. Involving a Third Party
Involving a real financial planner or estate planning attorney in these conversations can
provide an objective perspective that helps guide the discussion. A real financial
planner or a good estate planning attorney should be experienced in dealing with the
emotional and practical aspects of estate planning. They should have valuable insights
that might not be immediately obvious to you or your family.
For instance, if you’re struggling with choosing a financial power of attorney, a financial
planner can help you assess who among your potential candidates has the right skill
set and temperament for the job. An estate planning attorney, on the other hand, can
explain the legal implications of your choices, helping family members understand that
your decisions are based on more than just personal preference—they are made with
the best legal and practical outcomes in mind.
Involving a third party can also help mediate when there are disagreements among
family members. For example, if there’s tension over who should be named as guardian
for your children, an attorney can help facilitate a conversation that focuses on what’s in
the best interest of the children rather than on family politics.
Strategies for Navigating Emotional Hurdles
Start with the Basics
When first talking about estate planning, it can be helpful to start with the basics. Pick the low hanging fruit first. Then diving into the more emotionally charged decisions.
First, you could begin with the importance of an estate plan in place; the purpose of a will; the role of a trust; and the need for powers of attorney. This sets the stage and helps to normalize the conversation.
Once this foundation is laid, you can introduce more specific and difficult decisions, such as who will make medical decisions if you become incapacitated, who will manage your finances, or who will take care of your minor children if you pass away unexpectedly. Easing into these discussions can help everyone involved become more comfortable with the process before tackling the more sensitive topics.
Focus on the Future
A great way to navigate these conversations is to keep the focus on the future well-being of your family. Frame the discussion around the idea of protecting and caring for your loved ones after you’re gone. This approach helps to align everyone’s interests and can reduce the potential for conflict.
For example, when discussing who will manage your finances, emphasize how selecting the right person will ensure that your assets are preserved and used wisely for the benefit of your family. Similarly, when talking about guardianship, highlight how your choice is based on who you believe will provide the most stable and loving environment for your children.
Prepare for Difficult Reactions
It is possible (maybe even likely) that not everyone will agree with your decisions. And that’s okay. Even though some family members might feel hurt or excluded, while others might disagree with your choices, ultimately this is about your legacy and what you want to happen with your hard earned money. But anticipating strong reactions can help you stay calm and keep the conversation on track.
Document the Conversations
After each conversation is over, document your decisions and ensure they are reflected in your estate planning documents. Work with an estate planning attorney to draft or update your will, living trust, powers of attorney, and any other necessary documents. Make sure your beneficiary designations are up to date and aligned with your wishes.
Documenting these conversions helps make your intentions clear to your loved ones, thereby reducing the risk of misunderstandings in the future. This not only solidifies your plans but also gives your family peace of mind, knowing that everything has been carefully considered and legally formalized.
Something To Think About
Estate planning is a process that goes far beyond legal formalities—it's about confronting difficult truths and making choices that will impact the people you care about most. The emotional hurdles—facing our own mortality, deciding who will care for your children, and determining who should make critical decisions if you cannot—are often the most challenging parts. It is easy to procrastinate and say, “I’ll get to that tomorrow”. But what if tomorrow doesn’t come?
Working with a real financial planner and a good estate planning attorney will help you navigate the emotional and financial challenges so you don’t leave your future uncertain and burden your loved ones with figure this out after it’s too late.
Reach out to see if I might be a good fit to help you with your Estate Planning process. I would be honored to help you.